Day 105: Lie to Someone About Your Past

"There are four main types of lie about one's past, all designed to enhance one's reputation; 1 White Lie: My First word was "symposium", 2 Blatant Lie: I'm descended through my mother's side from Attila the Hun, 3 Lies no one can check: I used to work for the CIA, but the paperwork was too stifiling, 4 Lies no one wants to check: The really bungled my sex change operation."

Today, while at Hannafords, I decided to buy a Uniq Fruit. When asked by the cashier why I was buying such a strange fruit, I responded with a Number 3 Lie: I am the produce purchaser for Burlington Food Service and I was looking into some new products to stock for restaurants. She fully bought into it, and was asking me questions about what the job actually entails. It was a little hard to come up with things on the spot, but it was definitely worth it.

Day 104: Various Relatives Day

"The Book has decided to combine all Mother's Father;s, Grandparent's and any other Relative's Days into one glorious all-purpose celebratory Day. These days are not genuine national events anyway but were invented for commercial purposes. Today, send cards to all your relatives and get it all over and done with for the year."

The Book then gives the following inscription for all the cards to be sent out:

Dear Mother, thank you for bringing me into this world and for your unconditional love. Dear Father, thank you for conceiving me and supporting me all those years. Dead Grandad and Grandma, thank you for being in the background thus creating a sense of security throughout my childhood. Dear Aunt, I don't know you much but thanks anyhow. Dear Uncle, the bond between us is silent but strong. Dear Cousin, let's get married and freak everyone out. Dear Distant Relative, good luck with it all.

Day 103: Cleanse Your Bowels

"Your colon may be holding you back, Over the years, traces of every toxin you've ever consumed have accumulated along the walls of your intestines. The average person may hold as much as 10lbs of unwanted waste material that prevents them from absorbing food properly and results in fatigue, sluggishness and, sometimes, serious disease. The answer? Self-colonics. Self-colonics is east to perform, safe, cheap, and much less embarrassing than going to a doctor. Simply unscrew your shower head, lubricate the tube, insert it up your rectal passage, and let warm water flow in. Stop when you feel full, then hold the water in for 10 minutes before letting it flow out, along with all the much you've just got rid of. Welcome to the world of Self-colonics!"

In order to actually do this, I would need to balance some sort of very tall chair in my shower. Not only can I not actually do it, but I don't think I'd want to if I could. The whole thing just sounds really gross. I did, however, take a pretty decent sized poop today, and I think that may have helped a little.

Day 102: Tax Freedom Day

"This is the first day since you have started using this Book that you cash isn't going to the government. Each year the Adam Smith Institute calculates the Tax Freedom Day: the day on which you have earned enough to pay all your taxes and can start to work for yourself. As taxes stand at 29% of GDP, for 102 days of the year, you are working purely for the taxman. Write and complain to Him for this gross imposition on your time and liberty."

Since I don't have I job, the money I don't have hasn't been going to anyone. All for me! But then again 100% of 0 is still 0. Oh well, I guess I don't have anyone to write an angry letter to.

Day 101: Become a Chocolate Junkie

"Chocolate is the only legal psychoactive drug, a veritable cocktail of mind-interfering chemicals. It's a unique source of theobromine, an addictive xanthine alkaloid. It contains anandamide, which binds to the same receptors in the brain as the psychoactive elements in marijuana (cannabinoids). And it boosts levels of serotonin in the brain, as much anti-depressants do. Now: mild doses of serotonin act as a sedative on the brain, but higher doses can cause an addictive high followed by crash followed by craving response. You're looking at a good 25lbs to get high, which may seem a lot, but is actually much better value than illegal drugs, and won't get you in trouble with the law. So get munching!"

Breakfast: Cocoa Puffs and Chocolate Milk

Lunch: Bacon, Tomato & Arugula on Garlic Toast with Goat Cheese and Nutella

Dinner: Chocolate Braised Short Ribs with White Chocolate Polenta and Chocolate-Balsamic Roasted Carrots

I meant to get a bottle of Dogfish Head's Theobroma (chocolate beer). but the one store that carries it was out.

Dessert: Molten Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Brownie Ice Cream and Hot Cocoa

So.... much.... chocolate......

All in all, it was actually quite enjoyable. The sandwich and dinner were both some of the best things I've ever had. Definitely keeping these recipes for future use.

Day 100

"Convince somebody to accept fake money as legal tender."

Since I didn't want to cut the fake $8 Bill out of the book, I decided to make my own

 Not too shabby. While it does look nice, it's printed on card stock, so I knew nobody would actually take it. I figured I could at least try the vending machine and see what happened.

The vending machine would have none of it.

Day 99

"Today, experience Christ's plight for yourself with out DIY crucifixion kit."

The Book then gives some instructions on how to build and subsequently attach myself to a cross. Now, regardless of my own thoughts on religion, today is Easter and I'm not enough of an asshole to reenact the crucifixion today. It wouldn't be very hard, but it's not worth the flack I'll get from people that actually care about the holiday. Instead, enjoy this picture of Zombie Jesus.