"The Book has decided to combine all Mother's Father;s, Grandparent's and any other Relative's Days into one glorious all-purpose celebratory Day. These days are not genuine national events anyway but were invented for commercial purposes. Today, send cards to all your relatives and get it all over and done with for the year."
The Book then gives the following inscription for all the cards to be sent out:
Dear Mother, thank you for bringing me into this world and for your unconditional love. Dear Father, thank you for conceiving me and supporting me all those years. Dead Grandad and Grandma, thank you for being in the background thus creating a sense of security throughout my childhood. Dear Aunt, I don't know you much but thanks anyhow. Dear Uncle, the bond between us is silent but strong. Dear Cousin, let's get married and freak everyone out. Dear Distant Relative, good luck with it all.
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